The Onion — The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?

RB: Welcome! I’m Robert Braun, filling in for Clifford Baines today, who is not handling his divorce too well.

RB: The Chinese government has spent billions of dollars on the 2008 Olympics that will be in Beijing. How can we be sure that the whole thing is not a trap?

DB: No, we can be sure that it is a trap. They’ve been preparing for this for thousands of years.

RH: It’s true.

RB: –What kind of trap should we be expecting, though?

RH: According to satellite images that we got from Beijing, they are digging large holes, which they claim are for Olympic venues. But we know full well that they’re going to cover them up with branches and leaves, and the athletes from America are going to fall right into them.

NF: No, they’re going to wait until it gets dark, and they’re going to bring out their dragons.

RH: It’s most likely going to be during the Opening Ceremonies, when —

NF: Yes!

RH: When we’re all together under one roof.

RB: Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

DB: You have to look at the Falun Gong; they’re these aged Chinese in the parks, training to become killing machines.

NF: Yes, Falun Gong are very dangerous.

DB: What they’re doing is, they’re practicing slow-motion fight scenes.

NF: If you speed them up, they could cause a lot of damage!

DB: I think that we should send in the pole-vaulters first, sort of like a canary in the coal mines.

NF: They’ve got all of those stone warriors, just waiting for the right magic spell, and they’ll come alive and take our athletes, and tie them to the trees…

— Well, I’m actually planning on going, myself, to the Olympics.

NH: No!

DB: Are you serious?

— You know, I’m a lifelong gymnastics fan, but I will admit it — I’m scared for my life.

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