最近很忙，因为马上要休假，电脑也坏了，没法打中文，我现在在办公室忙里偷闲。
里尔克的”秋日”是我每年秋天想起的诗. 我看过冯至和北岛译的诗文觉得味儿有点不对, 便和女朋友一起翻译. 结果如下:
秋日
主啊
时已至 夏无殇
刻影仪晷上
扬风在草场
催生果实于藤间
再给它两日南方的天
熟硕得只为
醇醪最后的甘甜
失所者注定流离
孤独者久无所依
便醒着 读着 写着长信
踟蹰在公园的小径上
叶自飘零
Lord, it is time. The summer was too long.
Lay your shadow on the sundials now,
and through the meadow let the winds throng.
Ask the last fruits to ripen on the vine;
give them further two more summer days
to bring about perfection and to raise
the final sweetness in the heavy wine.
whoever lives alone now will live on long alone,
will waken, read, and write long letters,
wander up and down the barren paths
the parks expose when the leaves are blown.
(William Gass 译)
Herbsttag
Herr: es ist Zeit. Der Sommer war sehr groß.
Leg deinen Schatten auf die Sonnenuhren,
und auf den Fluren laß die Winde los.
Befiehl den letzten Früchten voll zu sein;
gieb ihnen noch zwei südlichere Tage,
dränge sie zur Vollendung hin und jage
die letzte Süße in den schweren Wein.
Wer jetzt kein Haus hat, baut sich keines mehr.
Wer jetzt allein ist, wird es lange bleiben,
wird wachen, lesen, lange Briefe schreiben
und wird in den Alleen hin und her
unruhig wandern, wenn die Blätter treiben.
(Rainer Marie Rilke的原文)
[...] Those of you who read Chinese may like 别了费城, “Leaving Philadelphia,” which I have been trying to write in English for almost a year now. Also, my girlfriend and I translated “Herbsttag” by Rainer Marie Rilke. It seemed to fit with the surprisingly autumnal weather we had last weekend, and anyway it’s one of my favorite poems. The Chinese translations I saw by Feng Zhi and Bei Dao didn’t really do it justice; hopefully our attempt is a bit closer to the mark. [...]
September 14th, 2006, at 6:02 pm #感觉下，我会比较喜欢北岛的译文。大概上是因为直译和意译程度上的不同吧？不过各花入各眼，每个人都有不同的理解和感受，所以出来的译文也有所差异的。你的译文感觉上是很简练而且还花了很多心思在词的使用上，好厉害>
September 14th, 2006, at 10:48 pm #………..翻得有点四不像
September 15th, 2006, at 9:02 am #花了很大的工夫在用词上，但效果却不明显。诗讲究的是诗意，诗意没有了，诗也就不是诗了…… ^_^
September 19th, 2006, at 5:44 pm #诗一首：
September 20th, 2006, at 2:41 pm #有几个，
字，
不认识，
文言文
又，
看不懂，
所以，
就，
没懂。
很好，很棒。
September 20th, 2006, at 4:18 pm #终于有篇”正经”点儿的文章了…
很久没来, Brendan这里更加火爆了!!!
September 21st, 2006, at 8:49 pm #啊，里尔克！这首诗也是我的至爱，不过还是喜欢冯至的翻译：
主啊!是时候了。夏日曾经很盛大。
把你的阴影落在日规上，
让秋风刮过田野。
让最后的果实长得丰满，
再给它们两天南方的气候，
迫使它们成熟,
把最后的甘甜酿入浓酒。
谁这时没有房屋，就不必建筑，
September 27th, 2006, at 6:18 pm #谁这时孤独，就永远孤独,
就醒着，读着,写着长信,
在林荫道上来回
不安地游荡，当着落叶纷飞。
冯至的译作看似散文/随笔
September 29th, 2006, at 10:42 pm #窃以为诗总得讲究排比压韵
我看小Bren的不错
贵在精练
经过压缩
有嚼头儿
x x x x x
秋日（北岛)
主呵，是时候了。夏天盛极一时。
把你的阴影置于日晷上，
让风吹过牧场。
让枝头最后的果实饱满；
再给两天南方的好天气，
催它们成熟，把
最后的甘甜压进浓酒。
谁此时没有房子，就不必建造，
谁此时孤独，就永远孤独，
就醒来，读书，写长长的信，
在林荫路上不停地
徘徊，落叶纷飞。
译文的文字很优美，就是意境上跟原文有了偏差，使整篇译文看起来意思不能贯通，尤其是译文中“失所者注定流离，孤独者久无所依”这两句。整首《秋日》里，要表达的是一种秋日的闲适、自然、超拔、洒脱的意境。译文里的意境就完全是一种伤感的情绪，跟原文的意境略有不合。 若改为：无居者不受制于地，独处者淡然自处，则可略显不受尘俗拘泥的潇洒不羁了。(注: alone 不等于loney, 所以孤独者不等于独处者。)
October 11th, 2006, at 3:18 pm #The famous translations I see here all took the “Ask the last fruits to ripen on the vine” as a prayer instead of an action. So I think the “让” is not fit to express the original feel if you were to show the original author’s intent. Therefore I render them as other poems that took on the form of original.
I think the page maker did a good job on this point, but in doing so and not finding a best fit changed the meaning of the context. Anyways, I think he did a good job still.
I think most of you took the intention of the page maker’s translation the wrong way and didn’t see the art form that was created through it.
Lighten up a little, and you might find the world much bigger. A story of a frog in a well.
November 18th, 2006, at 3:57 am #Hi, Undao —
I think you’re absolutely right: the first two verses are a plea to God. It’s something that’s very difficult to translate — even into English, much less Chinese — but what’s really interesting about the poem is the verbs of movement. Consider:
November 18th, 2006, at 4:05 am #“und auf den Fluren laß die Winde los.”
–which in English should be something like “and on the meadows let the winds run free.”
And again: “und jage
die letzte Süße in den schweren Wein.” — again, a hunting verb: in a literal English translation, it would be something like “and harry // the tarrying sweetness into the strong wine.” Again — a verb of movement. And of course there’s the last verse, where I’m very tempted to translate using the English “as” — as in “and will then walk, forth and back // as the fallen leaves are blown.” It sets up a comparison that doesn’t exist in the German — but then, I don’t believe in literal translations.
Hey Brendan,
hehe, you just reminded me of some old film.
I wish I know German, it’s a very interesting language. Let alone spoken, it sounds very brutal yet romantic.
It sounds to me that the relationship between the original and the english version of the poem is the same as the relationship between the english and the chinese/japanese version.
tyvm, for providing me with that knowledge.
I believe that the preservation of “original feel” is not what you called a “literal translation” nor creating a new contrast according to your own culture custom.
It’s something very interesting and artistic I think. It’s as a piece of classic music, taking a melodic template and fill it up with fitting notes, and do so without changing the feel to the melody. Instead, the notes will enhance it and make it fullfilling.
As you were pointing out, that the finding of exact fit is sometimes impossible, but its purpose is to give the audiences the taste of what other cultures have to offer.
I’m not saying that changes made to the original according to your own artistic desire is bad, I’m saying it’s just way different than resurrection of Herbsttag in another language.
ty again for the note, hehe maybe if I have the time I’ll grab a book on german as I did for japanese.
FINALS WEEK reply you laterz 4 sho. PEACE!!!
December 2nd, 2006, at 1:42 pm #XD joking.
关于里尔克的诗《秋日》，对诗人们的理解和翻译有这么多的讨论，是一个好现象。我看了冯先生的译文和其他后起之秀的尝试，包括北岛的改写，感到不管人们对冯先生的翻译有多少不同的意见，似乎也都没有超过冯先生的译文。
这首诗的第一句原文中的词汇groß（大）成为理解这首诗的一个难点，夏天，作为季节我们习惯用长短来形容，这里如何是“大”或者“盛大”或者“盛极一时”？——这些理解似乎离本意越来越远，因此就妨碍了对下文的理解。为此我查阅google，想看看德国人到底如何解释这个词的。于是找到了下面这一段解释。看来这个词汇即使对于德国人或者其他国家的欧洲人来说，也是一个难点！这个贴子的起因就是一个人在试图把这首诗翻译成英文时感到的第一个困惑，认为直译为“大”不能令人满意。因此请教方家。然后始有此贴。当然，除此贴之外还有其他人的解释，不过我认为这个帖子更有说服力。为了更好地理解里尔克，参与各位的讨论，我愿意把这一段翻译出来供同行和不会德文的朋友们商榷。
Ich glaube, Rilke meinte, “der Sommer war sehr groß(zügig)…” Der Dichter
reimt “groß” auf “los” in der dritten Zeile und läßt uns einen Augenblick
überlegen, was er wohl mit “groß” meint. Die ersten Worte (Herr, es ist
Zeit…), meine ich, leiten eine gewisse Stimmung ein und veranlassen mich
zu dieser Annahme. Etwas salopp ausgedrückt, könnte man es vielleicht so
umschreiben: “Herr, es ist jetzt höchste Eisenbahn. Du hast uns einen
reichen Sommer beschert, aber nun neigt sich der Sommer doch noch dem Ende
zu, und die Zeit ist gekommen, die neue Jahreszeit, d.h. der Herbst,
einzuleiten.
译文：
我相信，里尔克认为，“夏天很大（方）……”是人为了让groß和第三行的los押韵而让我们考虑片刻，他用groß这个词大概是什么意思。第一句话（主啊，是时候了……），我认为，是要把我引导到某种情绪中去并促使我去接受这种情绪。这种表达方式有点随便或者漫不经心，也许可以把它这样改写：“主啊，现在不能再拖延了。你已经馈赠给我们一个丰饶的夏天，但是现在夏天就要走向终点，而应该引导我们进入的那个时候，新的季节，也就是秋天，已经来到。”
把这个“大”理解为“大方”或“慷慨大方”，也许是理解这首诗的“钥匙”。仅供参考。
December 16th, 2006, at 12:44 am #（李士勋2006.12.15.）
Thanks very much, Shixun. That’s a great comment — since I unfortunately oon’t speak German, I’m limited to translators’ interpretations of Rilke, and I’m always delighted to hear a new view.
December 16th, 2006, at 4:27 am #hi brendan, your words make me break my word that I’ll never leave a trace behind on anyone’s website. but it’s a pleasant breaking. happy new year
December 29th, 2006, at 10:26 pm #好的诗文给人美的享受，读每一句，眼前都会出现一幅生动的画面。这句“扬风在草场”我想楼主是想尽量翻译出一些动感，但读来却没感到风的随意自如，反而会让人觉得风是诗人弄来的的而不是主的神力所为。加油！
March 27th, 2007, at 4:36 pm #Ach, der Deutschwortschatz ist relativ kleiner als Englisch. Deshalb ist ein Deutschwort manchmal bedeutungsvoll. Zum Beispiel, gross, kann noch “big” und “tall” bedeuten. Aber hier, ich bin der Meinung dass die Uebersetzung “long” fuer gross ist nicht so geeignet. Ich bevorzuge “generous”.
June 1st, 2007, at 11:57 am #中国女人千万别找你
August 29th, 2007, at 5:05 am #Music Search and Music Downloads…
Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me
…
October 14th, 2007, at 12:57 am #呵呵，癸亥的猪宝宝你好。：）我是编辑，希望约稿，请加我的msn。
October 26th, 2007, at 9:59 pm #sutangtang@hotmail.com
October 26th, 2007, at 10:04 pm #听过德语朗诵版的《秋日》。总觉得如果改成文言句式，节奏就排不上了……但也只是节奏而已。
。。
June 17th, 2008, at 9:42 am #喜欢北岛的翻译，却是因为第一次读的就是他的译本。怎么说呢，可以说是自己的口味已经被驯化了吧，无奈再喜欢不上别的。
听着德文版朗诵，若是念着北岛的句子，或许还能对得上节奏。感觉也不坏。
但其实冯至的翻译应该说是精准的。只是在我个人看来，相比之下少了一些诗人本身的灵性，这种灵性不是里尔克的，而是北岛的……
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