一直以来，我最讨厌作自我介绍。每年小学开学的时候，老师会让我们站起来说说自己。其他的学生们似乎没什么问题。而每次轮到我，我立刻会发愣，然后 迟钝地站起，眨眨眼睛，无可奈何地喃喃道：“同学们好，我是Brendan O’Kane。”不是因为谦虚，我只是不知道说什么。同学们说自己平时做什么运动时，我只得承认自己对运动一窍不通；当他们说自己酷爱的电视节目时，我则 不得不耸耸肩， 说因为家里没信号，我比较愿意看书。这样通常会出现短期和长期的效果—老师会夸我是好学生和引起班里的小霸王的注意。小孩子们会欺负跟他们不同的孩子，而 这些每年开学强制的自我介绍是暴露学生们各自特点最为有效的方法，所以我对自我介绍一直没好感。
这种折磨并没有与小学同时结束。上高中的时候，虽然老师早已不管我们喜欢什么电影，但外语教师还会让我们用西班牙语 (或是法语或是意大利语) 讲讲自己。我从来不会因此得高分。实际上，我比较擅长学外语，也很少跟教师作对，可 Davidson 老师一让我们作自我介绍， 我就说一句粗暴的 “No lo sabeis?” (你们还不知道？!)。学中文的时候当然也要自我介绍一番，可那时的我对此已没有过往的反感。尽管还是不乐于说自己，不过是一年一次的事，这样的频率我还 能接受。
三年前搬到中国以后，我发现中国人对外国人又热情又好奇，一碰到会中文的老外就问个不停。他们的问题多数是有关于好莱坞电影里所代表的美国与美国 人，在这点上，我恐怕会让大家失望：我没有手枪，没见过电影明星，没看过 NBA 比赛，没去过迪斯尼乐园。当有人问我美国怎么样，我总嫌自己的答案太过草率，因为事实上，我无聊得很。
写到这里，自我感觉已经让大家有点失望了—我不想这样。再说，自学习中文以来，我已把自己介绍了不知多少遍。所以，此刻与其写“自我介绍”，不如写“自我批评”更来得恰逢其时—
本人 Brendan O’Kane，22岁，美籍爱尔兰后裔，对以下的“恶行”供认不讳:
其一 : 长相不合格
众所周知，美国人个子高，肩膀宽，腰部赘肉丰富， 屁股肥硕充裕，而我这个不肖子，身体瘦得颇像一条会走路的宽粉。 还有我的头发是褐色的，眼睛也是淡褐色的， 金发碧眼的我只是见过, 不过见得多一点儿罢了。过去不少人误认为我是维吾尔人，甚至曾有在火车站被人民警察抓住要求出示身分证 的经历。
跟其他老外说中国人对外国人的外表的评价以后，我发现了所有的外国男的在一些中国人眼里不是像贝克汉姆就是像哈利波特。在此特向诸位看官致歉：本人相貌既无贝克汉姆堂堂，也不似哈利波特俊朗。
其二: 是穷光蛋
很多人认为外国人—尤其是美国人—都很富有。那也许是其他美国人，反正不是我，虽说我也不知为什么自己囊中羞涩。去年, 我是个贫寒无告的学生；如今，是个贫无立锥的翻译。新年到了，我当然也希望“明天会更好”。
其他：
除了上述的“罪状”，我还有许多令人失望的方面。中国人眼中的美国人比较开放，而我十分腼腆；一个典型的美国人应该开轿车，而我不但没车开，连开都 不会，我自小住在熙熙攘攘的城市里，觉得没必要开车（到了北京，更感觉如此）；美国人也似乎应该懂得生活，而我的日子过得很简单—工作，看书，写东西，去 酒吧和老朋友们聊天，而且蠢得从来学不会在那里和陌生的漂亮女孩搭讪。
跟中国人想象中的外国人的最大不同是，我会中文而且还想着向“更快更高更强”的目标迈进。我很久以前开始对中国的语言感兴趣 ，于是难以抵制东方思想糖衣炮弹的狂轰乱炸而俯首称臣—这最值得道歉，因为我无法拒绝“诱惑”—中文的诱惑对我依旧是炫丽，我不想拒绝。
“坦白从宽”，我想我已尽力在坦白，也希望在这里获得公众舆论的监督。中国人都会说“路漫漫其修远兮，吾将上下而求索”，也许我的“自我批评”还会在专栏中的某一回再次分解，到时只要说的不是相同的毛病就是进步了。
啊哈哈，好有趣的人！:P
May 8th, 2006, at 8:22 pm #你的自我批评写的很有意思。你是一个很有魅力的人。
May 12th, 2006, at 2:19 pm #“一直以来，我最讨厌作自我介绍”。
我不知道这个世界上还有一个人也和我一样讨厌自我介绍。”自我介绍”这对我来讲也是讨厌的事。首先,我讨厌介绍我的名字。因为我的名字是用汉字写的,也就是,用中文听到差不多的发音,而写的。只是发音而没有什么意思。如果用我的母语讲,就是”海龙王的女儿”。而用汉语写发音就是错毛。 就因为这个讨厌的名字,我从小学就受到班里同学们的嘲笑。再说,发音也不对。可是当时我上学报名时,是老师听到我说名字后写的。直到现在我还记得,上课的第一天,当老师点名叫到我时,我不知道老师在叫谁,所以老师很生气,说我没有礼貌,拿起黑板搽向我甩了过来。我很害怕,老师问我为什么不回答。我说”我的名字有四个字”,可是老师讲;”中国人的名字哪有四个字的,三个字就够了”。后来因为父母找老师谈话,才把个”错”,用别的字代替。每当自我介绍时,我就用母语的发音介绍名字。汉族说”听不清,用汉字写”。只好用汉字写相近的发音,可是听起来,还是错毛。很多汉族人都问我”你为什么起个这么怪的名字”?我说这是老师给我起的汉族的名字。从那时我就讨厌我的名字。
第二,我讨厌介绍自己的故乡,很多人可以说我是上海来的,黑龙江来的,四川来的,北京来的,我说我是西藏来的,在国外如果没有学过汉语,没人听的懂”西藏”。
老师告诉我说应该是Tibet。我就告诉大家我是从Tibet来的,可是周为的中国人很生气,他们说应该说中国的Tibet来的。只说从Tibet来的就搞”藏独,分裂中国”。
可我说你们为什么可以说,上海来的,黑龙江来的,四川来的,北京来的,而我必须要说;从
“中国的Tibet”来的? 还有我怎么能代表一个民族, 我只是一个民族中的一分子。
所以说,我讨厌自我介绍···
因为这些讨厌的事,我有很多聚会尽量不去,给使用汉字的人,介绍名字时,只用前两个字,勉去后面的”错毛”两字。
在你的博客里写我的事。对不起请多原谅。
无法帖字太大重叠。
May 12th, 2006, at 2:29 pm #请把留言乱码消去
May 16th, 2006, at 4:40 pm #“家在草原”：你的同学和周围的人可能在跟你开玩笑，你不用介意吧。
June 1st, 2006, at 11:41 pm #原来是爱尔兰裔，喜欢吃potato吗？
June 24th, 2006, at 10:06 am #路漫漫其修远兮，吾将上下而求索
呵呵，不会自我介绍，那么找工作的时候会很痛苦
June 29th, 2006, at 4:45 pm #家在费城却连Iverson一场比赛都不看,唉….真是暴殄天物啊..下个赛季估计他就不会在费城了….
June 30th, 2006, at 6:05 pm #你好,看了你的文字,我感觉受到了重大的打击!我只是想纠正一个词语:”我的自我批评”之”长相不合格”的第一段的最后一行的”身份证”这个语词的”份”字错了,你写成”分”了
July 1st, 2006, at 2:30 pm #长相不合格的洋人在中国人的眼里也‘高人一等’不是吗？
July 3rd, 2006, at 11:57 pm #有一大堆中国妞排着长龙等你挑！
看了Brendan说起像维吾尔人，突然灵机一动想到一招。如果有空，不妨做一个社会学实验，Brendan 去烤羊肉串或者其他维族人常经营的营生，以这个身份跟汉人接触，看看汉人是什么眼神。
只有这样，才能切实体会到，维吾尔人在这个国家里所受的待遇：被说成肮脏、没有文化、偷盗，被说成“恐怖分子”。
July 4th, 2006, at 8:36 pm #家在草原：永远不要讨厌你的名字，也不要省略。那些人，他们不知道自己在做什么。
丹增嘉措，也是四个字。
汉族，也有茉莉老师那样的人。而且相信会越来越多的。
July 4th, 2006, at 8:39 pm #说中文的老外
July 10th, 2006, at 5:20 pm #我喜欢看这些文章
也许是因为新鲜吧
中国人说英语就没那么新鲜了吧….
我想说的是，贝克汉母和哈利波特好象都不是美国人啊！老兄！
July 18th, 2006, at 5:26 pm #我不知道我这样的闯入是不是很冒昧，但是我很想让你知道，中国现在存在的你不能理解的现象是因为它封闭自己太久了，它就像个好奇的孩子，所以显得幼稚，或者可笑，但它也很可爱，不是吗？我是中国人，我很骄傲。
July 22nd, 2006, at 11:00 pm #西藏因为情况特殊，在国外不注明一下难免会有误会。其实中国人在海外介绍的时候，很少有主动报省籍或者城市的，说了人也不知道。
我倒常碰到这样的情况：
人：你从哪儿来？
我：中国。
人：中国哪里？
我：四川。
人：四川？那是哪儿？
我：西南角。
人：。。。？？？靠海吗？
我：挨着Tibet。
人：哦。
不过今天我MM系里来了一堆新生，其中有一上海哥么儿。别人若问他从哪儿来，他总是答“上海”。多数人都很糊涂，他很郁闷。
August 8th, 2006, at 9:43 am #来自西藏的学生，在西方国家说明自己来自 Tibet 就足够了，特别在大学里，人们不会不明白。你不能强迫来自约旦河西岸的学生说他来自 Israel 吧？Tibet 也是一样。至于那些中国沙文主义学生，请他们管好自己的事情，不用理他们，告诉他们，这里不是中国，收起他们那一套！要崛起或者勃起请他们回国！
August 8th, 2006, at 7:03 pm #Sorry I can’t type Chinese now, my office computer doesn’t support it.
I don’t want to address this topic politically and I don’t think it is proper to discuss political issues here. I personally don’t care how people think what belongs to what. I just wanted to give 家在草原 a possible explanation and didn’t want her be too upset.
Though I want to say, sense of morality is different from sense of moral superiority.
August 8th, 2006, at 11:38 pm #In terms of 家在草原’s case, the issue at stake is not politics, but basic human rights and dignity - no one denies that Tibet is occupied at the moment. But she simply doesn’t need those Chinese to tell her how she should call herself, spell her name, much less how to self-introduce herself to the class. Could those Chinese show some decency and respect? If they didn’t learn it in their own country, they can start it in the US.
August 9th, 2006, at 1:36 am #Well - as long as we’re using English…
I’m reminded of Ireland, probably just because it’s my family’s background. In Ireland, a lot of people would insist on using the Irish forms of their names (for example, Seamus O’Cathain) instead of the English forms (in this case, James Kane). It did become a political issue, and for a while, people would insult their political opponents by using either the English forms of their names (if they were pro-Irish) or the Irish forms (if they were pro-English). This is, incidentally, part of the reason that I don’t think it’s very important to have a Chinese name: I already have a name, Brendan O’Kane, and it has worked very well for 23 years.
For what it’s worth, I’ve met a number of Tibetans in the US, and all of them use their Tibetan names. I asked one Tibetan friend if he didn’t feel a little bit of pressure to use a Chinese name, and he said - and this is a direct quote - “Well, fuck that.”
August 9th, 2006, at 3:53 am #我觉得一个有正常教养的人，都不会认同这个老师的行为。
但另一方面，矛盾不应当激化。对不公正的行为，扣个帽子或者骂两句很容易，要解决问题，这些却不够。从五四到现在，中国人也被骂得很多了，却没什么长进。懂得了人权的概念，懂得了一些群体的劣根性问题，只是个开始而已。骂，顶多表示自己明白，但未必能让他人明白，也离解决问题很远。
August 10th, 2006, at 11:59 am #这个老师做了一个很坏的榜样，而学生会受到老师很大的影响。特别是年龄还小的学生，老师所做的事情被自然的当作了他们自己行为的标准。所以他们会尽情嘲笑自己认为奇怪的东西而不会有一点怀疑自己的所作所为其实是不正确的。
August 11th, 2006, at 1:26 am #Now, in English…
August 11th, 2006, at 3:23 am #I have some thoughts about the whole Chinese name thing based on my own experience as a Chinese student in Canada. Unlike many other Chinese students abroad, I don’t have a English name. Just like what Brendan said, I feel I have a name, I don’t need another. However, I still get my first and last names reversed in order. Plus the fact that English-speaking people usually can’t pronounce Chinese names right, often I find it hard to realize my name had just been called. When I introduce myself, I have to pronounce my name according to the English-speakers, otherwise people just don’t get it. And of cource my name is always written in Pinyin which is not really chinese. Despite all these, I can hardly balme the Canadians. I have all the rights to keep things my way, but it would be inpractical. It’s the same reason why Brendan seeks a Chinese name now, isn’t it, Brendan? I truly hope there will be less people like the teacher mentioned above in China, but can we just keep things straight forward and simple? It’s ridiculous to get political about names. As the case of the Tibetans in the US, what good would Chinese names do to them? In fact, they were most likely not even from the Tibet within Chinese border. Of cource they would feel being offended by the idea of having Chinese names. Occasionally, my canadian friends get some laugh over really whired(to them) Chinese names(Wang from Austin Powers? That’s classic!). However, I always appreciate that they are decent and sensitive enough not to do it in public. Those Chinese kids were certainly wrong by laughing at other’s name and being insensitive to other’s culture. But maybe we can give them the benefit of the doubt that they were not really malicious. They were just kids and under bad influence. If Chinese ever felt offended by the western people(I hope there is a better term), it’s because the Chinese don’t have a sence of humor. If other people felt offended by Chinese, it’s because Chinese are bastards. Is that fair? Bellevue, I think you went a little too far. It seems like you really have some hate issues with Chinese .
Well, I noticed that you emphasized ‘that’. You may think that was a harsh response (to the idea of a Chinese version), but in next minute you’ll know it’s totally justified. After all it’s not so harsh compared with how Chinese treat other’s name.
Most Chinese are not aware that ethnic non-Chinese do not have the right to put their romanized name as first choice on their China passports. The law says (yes, they call it law) that you have to have the pinyin of Chinese version as your official latin-based name. Then, if you insist, you can have your native name romanized as a.k.a.. That means if the 14th Dalai Lama were to get a PRC passport, his name would be printed as Danzeng Jiacuo, rather than Tenzin Gyatso, which he goes by worldwide. I probably wouldn’t call it a hate crime, but it looks pretty bad, especially to those who fall victims.
Sure, a discussion like this won’t improve Chinese practices, but I doubt anything else can? If you were HJT, you may not try to be nicer to anybody, Chinese or Tibetans - why bother? You outstood yourself and rose to the line of succession by killing 300+ Tibetan protesters in March, 1989, not by being nice to them! And later on you won a 2008 Olympic game and 21-gun salute from Dubya. What’s the point of changing a winning strategy?
August 11th, 2006, at 8:40 am #bellevue, as long as the discussion is civil, I won’t call it useless. Now, I know the fact hat ethnic non-Chinese do not have the right to put their romanized names as first choice on their Chinese passports. Just as you said, I , like most Chinese, was not aware of that. I thank you for telling me this. However, I have to point out one thing, the Tibetans do not use Latin based letters in their language. The romanized names are really just for the convenience of the West. No matter Danzeng Jiacuo or Tenzin Gyatso, the Dalai Lama’s real name in Tibetan is just equally ignored. Your point is taken, but using this to accuse the Chinese is just a bad example. And this makes people wonder, if you really care for the Tibetan people or just want to have something to attack the Chinese? You said how Chinese treat other’s name will make my case less harsh. But I also remember you said what I exprienced was totally justifed. Now, you made my case less harsh by comparison, but how exactly did you make it totally justified? I’m afraid you just suggested double standards. Anyhow, nevermind, in fact I didn’t say I was mistreated at all. You must have misunderstood me. What kind of arrogant person whould I be if I insisted to use the Chinese character name in Canada? Reaching out to a different culture requires an open mind. As a new generation Chinese studying in the west, I’m trying to keep open minded. bellevue, It looks like you hold very bad opinions about China., no matter the government, the people, or the culture. I know we have problems, some very bad, to ourselves and to the others. We do want things to be improved. But if you don’t open up your mind, no matter what we do, we are just gona be as bad as ever. And man, you do generalize a lot. Now, I probably wouldn’t call it a hate crime either, but it looks pretty bad just as well.
August 11th, 2006, at 5:33 pm #To Brendan,
Sorry. It’s really carried away. And use English in your Chinese Version is not appropriate, but you know, the government blocks a lot…sigh. I really like your website. Well, I don’t think they sensor English though. I think you would welcome some constructive discussions, but maybe this is too much. I’m just shutting up.
August 11th, 2006, at 5:50 pm #Hey, guys -
I don’t mind at all, as long as it’s civil, constructive discussion. The Chinese government does censor some English keywords, though, so if some comment here causes the site to get temporarily blocked, I’ll go in and change the words to s*o*m*e*t*h*i*n*g else.
August 11th, 2006, at 5:56 pm #Feel free to chat away — at any rate, it’s a nice change from the “支持～“ ”顶“ comments that I see on a lot of Chinese blogs!
还挺喜欢的文字，没想到居然是一个外国人写得。很难得，身边许多朋友都很少写出这样很质朴感觉的东西。蛮好的，就像春天的时候，坐在外婆家的大树底下，闻到的那些刚找出来的叶子的清香，静静地才能闻得到，那种香味慢慢渗入。不错，小伙子，继续努力！：）
August 11th, 2006, at 6:45 pm #Sorry I didn’t make it clear: my post (24th) was intended to respond to Brendan’s 20th. So the word ‘harsh’ was referring to remarks of Brendan’s Tibetan friends. To be precise, to their choice of word.
It’s up to Tibentans to decide whether a romanized version, or a pinyin version of sinonised name (which usually is far from accurate in transcription) is acceptable to them. After all, it’s their name. I know it’s easy to silence people in China, but sorry, their voice is clearly heard. Of course, if somebody insists that only CCTV holds the sole truth, then I don’t have further comment.
August 11th, 2006, at 7:49 pm #Sometimes happiness may not be leave in the dust of success. Though, i just wonna say, do not worry, each unrealized fear excated its cost behind the sences. What you facing is also a completeness to joy that does not allow us to exclude our sence of the person we should be. So, cheer up!! I believe you as you should and my believe in your self.
August 20th, 2006, at 12:31 pm #呵呵,不错.
September 12th, 2006, at 6:12 pm #这个有意思–”身体瘦得颇像一条会走路的宽粉”,难为你怎么想出来的
I am so happy you are there.
October 3rd, 2006, at 10:40 pm #哎
October 22nd, 2006, at 10:18 pm #让我这个北京土著给你概括一下吧:混混儿.
November 23rd, 2006, at 10:03 am #慢慢混吧,看来不是朽木不可雕.多数成了事的主,都是混混出身…..
在北京找不着北 - 我的自我批评…
三年前搬到中国以后，我发现中国人对外国人又热情又好奇，一碰到会中文的老外就问个不停。他们的问题多数是有关于好莱坞电影里所代表的美国与美国人，在这点上，我恐怕会让大家失望…
December 15th, 2006, at 11:45 am #过去不少人误认为我是维吾尔人，甚至曾有在火车站被人民警察抓住要求出示身分证 的经历。
哈哈哈哈哈哈太逗了。。。
December 26th, 2006, at 12:13 pm #沒想到在費城也不需要開車阿。。。唉早日爭取搬到不需要開車的城市去。。。
在此特向诸位看官致歉：本人相貌既无贝克汉姆堂堂，也不似哈利波特俊朗。
February 13th, 2007, at 10:00 pm #——–
又不是看脸的看官。不用道歉。
Visitor Q wrote:
在此特向诸位看官致歉：本人相貌既无贝克汉姆堂堂，也不似哈利波特俊朗。
——–
又不是看脸的看官。不用道歉。
February 13th, 2007, at 10:00 pm #
呵呵，基本同意：p
February 15th, 2007, at 10:32 pm #哎呀,哪个北京女孩找了你这样的老公真是太安心了.
April 4th, 2007, at 6:44 pm #回:家在草原
首先,这个不是汉族和藏族的矛盾吧.只不过是你们那个白痴老师的问题.中国人四个字的名字多的去了,要这个混蛋管.估计是看你好欺负,欺负你.这年头,什么种族不种族的,看你好欺负,就找个理由欺负你.我小时候也被老师欺负过不少次呢,贪了我一个乒乓球拍.我踩踩踩死她(幸好她女儿是个白痴,高中考不上,大学考不上,真是证明了这个老师是个白痴)
至于,西藏的叫法.大家不都叫西藏吗?至于中国的西藏,那是对老外的要求.都是那些上纲上线的政治斗争委员们太敏感了.个人感觉没什么.
最后,你的名字,那个发音叫错毛,确实有点搞笑.不过你的发音确实是那样的,时间长了也没人笑你了吧?这个应该也不算是嘲笑?不过确实有点让人不爽.
April 4th, 2007, at 6:51 pm #身体瘦得颇像一条会走路的宽粉。\
你太厉害了，这个比喻用的非常恰当当啊，这样看来，难道上帝真的是公平的么，让你拥有了语言的天赋，所以暂时拿走了你的俊朗外形。。。
April 6th, 2007, at 10:45 am #不错，路过支持一下
April 10th, 2007, at 6:11 pm #结果忍不住，就全都看完了……除了诗部分。
October 25th, 2007, at 8:20 pm #来做个总结汇报，看别人回的那么认真就忍不住跟风，环境影响力果然不可小觎。
其实我也不喜欢自我介绍……
……
完。